Broken
by goldy-page
Summary: Olivia is broken. Alex/Liv
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Olivia Benson was bent over her desk, signing off on the last of the day's paperwork. She sent up a silent prayer that the city would sleep that night. She needed a good night's sleep and a five mile run the following morning. Yes, a run was definitely in order. Running made her forget her case load, the faces of those defenseless victims, the vindictive nature of perps, the fact that she hadn't had sex in almost a year, or the fact that her maternal clock was slowly shutting down. All of this was forgotten when she could get in a good, long run.

But now, right now, Olivia was stuck at her desk.

"Go home," it was Cragen's voice coming from his office as he shut off the light. "The damn case is over, Benson. You don't need to beat yourself up over it."

"I'm not." She responded, glancing up from the last page she needed to sign.

"Go have a drink, celebrate, and get some fucking sleep. You look like hell." He exclaimed, coming ever closer to her as he shrugged his shoulders into his coat.

"Thank you, sir." She gave him a half smile, shutting off her desk light. She reached for her coat, suddenly seeing the tears streaming from the most recent victim's cheeks. An image had clouded her conscious mind and she desperately craved a drink suddenly to make it go away. She couldn't and shouldn't let these victims of rape get to her the way she did, but this case had hit eerily home and she couldn't help but feel a bit upset about it.

"Hey, Olivia, you did what you could." Cragen was standing near her, waiting for her to finally put on the coat she had picked up.

_Shit_. She'd let him see her weakness. She straightened herself out and slipped in to her coat. "I'll be fine." She smiled at him. "After you." She motioned for him to precede her, hoping that her suddenly moist eyes could be stalled for the next two minute elevator ride and walk to her car.

Cragen allowed her silence and bid her adieu as they parted ways to go to their separate cars. Olivia slipped behind the seat of her car, feeling the stress in her body begin to lessen. But when her eyes slid shut for a moment, she could see the latest victim in her mind and those pleading, broken green eyes and she felt the tears. How could anyone do that to such a beautiful, lovely, young girl? Especially done by her alcoholic…no, Olivia couldn't go there. Not tonight. Tonight she needed a drink.

Instead of going to the normal hang out, Olivia opted for a new bar that had opened a couple of blocks down. _The Labyrinth_. It looked dark and dreary and exactly what Olivia needed right then.

She gave her car over to a valet at the door and then stepped inside. After flashing her ID to the bouncer and tossing him a twenty, he let her in. The club was well lit with flashing lights. It almost did her head in, but she had already paid her cover and she would drink. Pressing through the nearly younger, hip crowd around her, she made her way to the bar.

"Scotch, on the rocks." Olivia instructed when a bartender made his way to her. As he got her drink, she turned to glance around the bar. She recognized no one and yet she felt comfortable being anonymous.

"Here's your drank, ma'am." The bartender shouted over the crowd, placing the drink on the counter before her. Olivia lifted the drink to her lips, sipping on the cool substance which burned as it raced down the back of her throat. It felt nice. Comforting.

When had drinking become comforting?

But at least now when she closed her eyes she didn't see the girl with scared, sad green eyes. This time when she closed her eyes she saw nothing and nothing was better than thinking about a case, about another rape victim…

She was asking for another drink before she realized what she was doing. But her lips lost in a drink seemed better than no drink at all and one more couldn't hurt…could it?

"Rough day?" An unfamiliar male voice asked from behind her.

Olivia turned just as the bartender sat another drink in front of her. She met eyes with the most attractive man she had seen in days. He was young, perhaps late twenties, early thirties. Far too young for her, yet his eyes seemed so wise. Wise beyond his years.

She wasn't drunk, but she wasn't delusional. He was talking to her. "Something like that."

"Mind if I join you?"

"I didn't have plans for the seat next to me." Olivia shrugged, taking her refreshed drink into her hand.

He was tall, muscular. His hair was a sandy brown and he looked interested. Yes, interested. In her.

Of course she would need another drink before she went through with this.

"What's your name?" He asked over the music.

"Olivia." She smiled over her drink.

"Olivia." The name rolled off his tongue like silk and Olivia could feel her abandoned center begin to wake up. "I'm Eric, and I'll have one of what she's having." He turned his attention to the bartender for a moment before returning his gaze to Olivia. "I haven't seen you around here much."

"I don't come here, much." Olivia rubbed her hand on the back of her neck, working out some more of the tension from the day.

"You haven't told me about your rough day." His smile was mesmerizing as he reached for his drink.

She already knew she wanted to sleep with him, but she was not interested in a real relationship with such a young man. And as she studied him she knew he wasn't interested in much more either. "There's not much to tell." She responded, motioning for the bartender to get her another drink. "It was just a rough day." She gave him a slight smile. "How come you don't have to tell me about your day?"

"Well if you have to know," he leaned towards her and smiled, "I spent the majority of the day in a board meeting. Business is quite boring."

"Which firm?" Olivia asked, almost as if she were interrogating a suspect. She knew it was no way to treat a potential love interest, but she couldn't help it. Questioning was her forte.

"Smith and Johnson. I'm just an engineer. Nothing flashy like a CEO. Not yet." He shrugged. "How about you? Where is it that you work?"

"I work for the state. I'm a…I'm a detective." She smiled.

"That is a noble profession. Hell, I'd be drinking too if I were you."

She laughed, her first genuine laugh since the beginning of this week of hell.

"You're beautiful when you laugh." He smiled and she knew he wanted her. And she felt suddenly vulnerable, if not a bit frightened by what she knew was the inevitable outcome of the evening.

"Thanks." She brushed her hair behind her ears and hoped that she wasn't blushing.

He ordered the both of them another drink.

"I really shouldn't…" but then his lips were suddenly on her own and he was kissing her. She lost all sense of where she was and what she was doing and she let him kiss her. She let herself get lost in his surprisingly soft lips, which for some reason reminded her of someone who would not normally enter her mind at a time like this. She could see blonde hair in the back of her mind and suddenly she could feel herself deepening the kiss.

Her head was spinning when he released her. "I live the next block over." He smiled, his hand gently caressing Olivia's cheek.

She normally didn't do this, not with someone she hardly knew, but her body was saying yes and something about Eric made her feel comfortable. If she'd learned anything in her life, she had learned to listen to her body. Her body seemed a good indicator of character and Eric seemed a fine, upstanding gentleman. She nodded, reaching for her billfold, but his hand stopped her. "It's on me." He flashed his card and smiled.

~*~

His apartment was magnificent and meticulous. She had certainly picked a fine and upstanding man. In the dark she could only make out what the city lights through the windows illuminated. The apartment was all lines of black and white. It was small, yet seemed spacious with high ceilings and floor to ceiling windows.

His arms wrapped around her from behind. She felt suddenly dizzy from the scotch. His fingers grazed over her hardened nipples, moving down towards her jeans. His lips kissed the back of her neck as his fingers undid the button on her pants. She turned in his embrace, nearly embarrassed by the fact that it had not been Eric whom she had just been thinking about.

She let her lips press against his, letting him undress her as they made their way towards what appeared to be the bedroom. She could scarcely make out the crimson colored room in the dim light, but she knew it was quite a well kept room. He was tidy for the young man he appeared to be.

She found herself naked and beside his bed. Eric was practically naked before her and he began slipping out of his pants as she stood, waiting for him to finish. "Do you have…"

"Yeah, yes, I do." He went over to his nightstand and pulled out a condom, showing her in the dim lighting of the room. She moved towards him, caressed his hard abs as he readied himself. When he got the condom on, he leaned up and pressed a kiss against her lips. She deepened the kiss as she felt herself falling back against the bed. She needed this more than she was willing to admit and it was almost a relief to finally have a man inside of her again.

He pushed into her, his lips stilling on her neck. She could feel his breathing getting heavier each time he thrust in to her. Her mind was hazy, but she still seemed oddly coherent for how many drinks she had had. She certainly had a buzz and this sexual stimulation made her body hum. Only a slight hesitation surfaced somewhere deep inside of Olivia and she knew that Eric was not the one for her. Not by a long shot. But this was nice for what it was.

"Shit," Eric cursed, right before Olivia reached a level that was quite sexually satisfying. (She hadn't orgasmed in nearly three years, but she could still appreciate the slightly elated feeling she could achieve with sexual stimulation).

"What?" Olivia gasped through a slack jaw. "What is it?"

"The fucking condom…I think it broke." Eric began stilling his motions.

"Fuck." Olivia fell back against the bed. "Do you…"

"No, I just got tested." Eric pulled out of her and inspected the ruined condom. "Do you?"

"No." Olivia shook her head.

"Well, fuck. I'm sorry." He rolled off of the bed and went in to this bathroom. "Are you all right?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm…I'm fine." Olivia swept a hand through her hair and sat up, feeling entirely too turned on to have to leave the way she was leaving. She pulled her underwear back on, her wetness apparent on the cotton. "I'm just going to…go." She yelled back towards the bathroom.

"Oh, you really don't…have to…" Eric appeared in the bathroom doorway. "We could…take a shower."

Olivia shook her head. She no longer felt up to hanging around at Eric's. She knew she'd done enough damage for the night. She would need to get tested, just in case, sometime in the next week and she'd better hope that she remembered to take her birth control before she went to bed. "It was…nice, though. Thank you." She smiled as she slipped into her shirt.

He nodded. "I'm really sorry about that."

"It's fine." She waved her hand in the air.

He moved towards her and pulled her in for one last kiss. "Can I get your phone number?"

Olivia felt her heart drop. She didn't want to give him her number, but what if she contracted something from him? What if something happened? She quickly jotted her work number on a pad of paper and got his phone number.

He kissed her once again at the door and before she knew it, she was stumbling down the streets of New York. She knew she was too drunk to drive, and so she opted to keep her car in the parking garage across from the bar. She could get it the next day before work. She flagged down a cab on the corner and got in, sinking back against the back seat of the stuffy, yellow cab.

What was she doing?

And suddenly when she closed her eyes, the image of that girl with those sad, green eyes floated to the surface again and Olivia wanted to throw up.

She was able to keep the bile in her throat down until she got to her apartment.

The morning after was just as pleasant.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Olivia found herself hovering over the toilet at 6:00am that morning. She emptied out what little she had eaten the day before. Her head was pounding, of course. She was clearly hung over and she realized she hadn't had a thing to eat for dinner the night before. How stupid could she be?

And as she reached for her toothbrush, she found a certain rectangular shaped container that had been unopened the night before.

"Shit." She cursed, double checking to make sure she hadn't forgotten. But she had. "Shit, shit, shit."

She quickly leafed through her closet to try and find something to wear to work that day and without grabbing a thing for breakfast she headed out to the corner pharmacy. Once the morning after pill's after taste was washed away by the awful station coffee, Olivia began to feel more like herself. She was ready for the newest case that had just come in.

"Fourteen year-old girl, gang banged at St. Vincent's Academy." Elliot exclaimed to the unit.

"Isn't that an all girl's school?" It was Alex Cabot who spoke next.

Olivia's stomach churned and she wasn't sure if it was from hunger, or an odd sense of unease upon seeing the blonde so early and so surprisingly entering the room. "What are you doing here?" Olivia looked the counselor over, eyeing her impeccable wardrobe. She was dressed in a form fitting black pencil skirt and a tight, light-blue shirt underneath a black jacket. She looked beautiful. And today she meant business with those dark-rimmed glasses.

"I have a meeting with Cragen. Don't look so happy to see me, Liv." Alex playfully bumped in to Olivia's chair on her way to the coffeepot.

"So what all do you know about this gang bang?" Olivia shifted forward in her desk, still not feeling up to par.

Elliot eyed her questioningly, but she gave him the 'I'm okay' look and he moved on.

"It looks like she stayed late after school and a group of boys from the nearby public school happened to catch up to her."

"Any leads on the boy's names?" Olivia sipped her coffee and watched as Alex went to Cragen's office. He motioned for her to come inside and then she closed the door behind her, baring Olivia from seeing her further.

"We have an eye witness who works across the street at a grocery store and he says he can identify one of the boys. His mother is a regular customer at the store and he tags along with her sometimes. The name's Brock Houser." Elliot read the name from the case file.

"Let's go talk to Mr. Houser." Olivia grabbed her coat off the back of her chair as she stood. She fought off the urge to throw up. She kept having delusions of climbing in to her bed and sleeping, but knew that it was her own fault for feeling so awful. There would be no heavy drinking tonight, even if they cracked this case before six.

~*~

Brock Houser had actually hit her. Olivia was surprised that a boy so young could get so defensive, but when she'd tried talking reasonably with him, he'd actually slugged her in the face. It was like adding insult to injury. She'd picked up his case file and had exited the room without looking back. She was done with him. Elliot could take over.

She tossed the file on her desk and made her way to bathroom, ignoring Elliot yelling after her to see if she was all right. She closed the door behind her and examined the place where Brock's small hand had made contact with her skin. It was stinging, the skin aflame with bruised nerve ends. There would be a bruise there the following day.

She wished she'd stayed in bed. Her stomach still hadn't settled and as awfully as the previous night had gone for her, she secretly wished she had someone to have sex with again that night. Her body was wrought with need for physical contact.

"Nice shiner." A familiar voice exclaimed behind her and Olivia quickly turned to find Alex coming out of a bathroom stall.

"That fucking kid punched me." Olivia grunted, turning again to study her cheek.

"I guess it's not your day." Alex came up beside Olivia to wash her hands.

"It's not." Olivia sighed, her hands coming to rest on either side of the sink before her. She felt suddenly dizzy.

Alex reached for a paper towel and turned to lean against the sink, studying Olivia. "You look like shit. Are you all right?"

Olivia shook her head. "Rough night last night." Olivia tried to give Alex a smile through her pain. She didn't want to go in to all of it with her, and didn't really feel like she needed to.

Alex turned away, tossing her paper towel in the trashcan. "Well I hope you feel better soon."

"Thanks." Olivia straightened up, wondering why Alex was suddenly racing away from her and out of the bathroom.

~*~

"We got a confession out of him." Elliot explained later that afternoon. "We'll hand this over to the D.A.'s office." He exclaimed, tossing the case file towards Munch's desk.

Olivia looked up from her paperwork, surprised that they had gotten a confession so quickly.

"We got him for hitting you, too." Elliot glanced down at her. "Are you all right?" He studied her bruised cheek.

"Just peachy." Olivia rolled her eyes and went back to the rest of her forms.

"You look like you could use some sleep." Munch noted.

"What the hell is this? Gang up on Olivia day?" She mumbled, turning a sheet of paper over to make sure there weren't blank spaces.

"We're just looking out for you."Elliot tried to sound playful, but she could tell he was genuinely concerned.

"Well I'm fine." She exclaimed, wishing to be left alone to do her copious amounts of paperwork in quiet.

And soon the office began clearing out for the night. Olivia wanted to get ahead for the week so that if another big case came through she'd be ready to tackle it. Unlike her male colleagues, she liked to keep ahead of the game. It was no surprise to her when she glanced up to find a certain blonde staring in at her. She has smelled her expensive fragrance long before she'd sensed her there. At first she'd thought she was imagining the scent for want of the younger woman, for at the moment Olivia felt empty and alone and in need of a companion. She had wished Alex present and as if they had secret telepathy, the other woman had appeared.

"Working late?" Alex pushed a strand of blonde hair out of her eyes.

Olivia nodded, putting her pen down.

"I suppose you're not going out with the boys for drinks tonight," her question was more of a statement.

Olivia shook her head. "I don't feel very well." She ran a hand through her hair.

"So you wouldn't be up for some sushi and wine tonight?" Alex sounded almost embarrassed in her proposal.

Olivia glanced at the clock on her desk. What she felt like doing was curling up in bed and sleeping, but she had wished for Alex's company…"I'm not sure. I still don't feel very well." She looked up apologetically at Alex.

Alex waved her hand. "Don't worry about it. You look like you need some sleep. Go home." She swiftly came over and flipped off Olivia's desk light. "Go." Her voice was firm yet playful.

Olivia smiled for the first time that day. Though she felt her heart begin to race when Alex's hand gently grabbed her chin and turned her face to the side.

"And I'd ice that if I were you." She was studying Olivia's cheek.

"Right away, ma'am." Olivia laughed, moving to take Alex's hand away from her chin. "Thank you. I really would love to have sushi with you, just not tonight."

Alex nodded, a warm smile still present on her visage. "It's all right." Neither seemed to realize they were holding hands until Alex adjusted her purse strap and shifted her briefcase from one hand to another. "Good night, Liv."

"Night Alex." Olivia got up and grabbed her coat from the back of her chair. She turned just in time to watch Alex walking out of the office. Olivia's brown eyes seemed transfixed by the blonde's retreating form.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Olivia lay wide awake in her bed.

She was no longer tired. She had thrown up what little she'd tried to eat that night, and somehow that made her feel better. Perhaps she'd contracted the twenty-four hour flu.

Now she felt like a good stiff drink, but it was nearly two in the morning. She would pay the price the following morning if she drank now. But recently she'd been giving in all too quickly. She knew that alcohol addiction ran in her family, but she also knew herself and knew that she would never jeopardize her career or her life for alcohol. But one drink never hurt anyone.

She slid out of bed and went to her kitchen, pulling down a shot glass and her bottle of Grey Goose. One shot would be enough to settle her down and get her to fall asleep.

She downed the warm liquid, feeling the burn race through her system, filling every inch of her body with warmth.

The following morning she fuzzily remembered pouring a second shot of vodka. She was certain, as she sat throwing up in the bathroom, that she had not had a third, but her recollection seemed rather hazy.

The bottle was still out on her kitchen countertop, still evidence of her late night drinking, which needed to end. And soon.

She had no time to make her own coffee, a call had come in around six and she was needed downtown to question a perp. She only had time to empty her rather empty stomach in the toilet and throw on some clothes.

She promised herself she would grab some food after the questioning. Perhaps Alex would be in early and she could invite her along, make up for the night before.

However, her make up plans were for not, as were her food plans for the morning. She and Elliot were immediately whisked away to pick up a witness right after the questioning of a completely irrelevant player in the event. He had not been helpful. At all.

After bringing the witness in and questioning her, the morning seemed gone.

Olivia's stomach was punishing her and she slipped in to the bathroom to throw up, hoping and praying that no one was around.

She was fine. She didn't need others worried about her. And she could still do her job.

"Hey, Liv, did you want a sandwich?" Elliot asked when she came back in to the squad room.

"Yes!" She cried, glad to have food.

They ordered in, and Olivia's wait for the food seemed torturous. Gone were her plans of meeting up with Alex. In fact, she hadn't seen her all day and by the time Olivia was about to leave the office for the day, Alex still hadn't shown up. Olivia shrugged it off and after her last piece of paperwork finished, Elliot was asking her out to drinks.

"I'm not sure. I think I have a date with the TV and some Chinese tonight." She shrugged, reaching for her coat.

"Those sound like awful plans, Liv." Elliot punched her lightly on the shoulder.

"Call me lame, but I'm out for the night." She shouldered her purse and reached for her car keys, leaving the office before someone stopped her, or another case came through. She figured Munch or Elliot could handle it.

~*~

The shot glass and vodka were still out on the countertop when she got home. Figuring that if she had one shot it wouldn't throw her too off for the rest of the night or day after, Olivia poured herself some Goose and downed it, recapping the bottle and putting it away.

"No more." She chastised herself, opening up her refrigerator to see what kind of food she had.

The refrigerator was almost empty. There seemed only to be molding cheese and a bottle of wine.

"Shit." She hadn't gone grocery shopping in days.

As if an entirely unexplainable force had some sort of cosmic grasp on her life, Olivia heard a knock on her door. She was almost unsurprised to find Alex on her doorstep, brown bag in hand and a bottle of wine.

"You know me too well, counselor." Olivia felt herself smile, her empty stomach appeased at the sight of food.

"I wanted to check on you. I wasn't around the office today, so I couldn't see if you felt any better and when I went to find you after I got off, Elliot told me you'd already gone home." Alex explained as she allowed Olivia to take the wine bottle and she used her free hand to slip out of her heels, glad to be off of them for once that day.

"How nice of you to think of me." Olivia smiled, moving towards her kitchen with Alex in tow. "I'm doing just fine." She added, as she pulled down two wine glasses.

"Already drinking?" Alex picked up the empty shot glass off the countertop.

Olivia turned to see her smiling at her.

"I might have gotten a start on it." Olivia shrugged it off and pushed past Alex and in to her quant living room. "What did you bring for dinner?"

"The sushi you missed out on last night." Alex explained, settling down on the floor in front of the couch, watching as Olivia messed with the controls on her television.

"I'm really sorry I missed out on it." Olivia turned from her TV once it was on CNN and smiled at Alex, watching as she pulled the sushi out in the black and clear plastic containers their favorite restaurant favored for take-out.

Olivia moved to the wine and uncorked it with the bottle opener that had lain on her coffee table since the last time Alex had come over for dinner. She poured generous portions of the wine in their glasses and then sat down beside Alex. "I'm glad you thought of me tonight," Olivia started as she poured soy sauce on to the clear part of her sushi container. "I wouldn't have had anything to eat if it wasn't for you."

"Somehow I suspected that would be the case." Alex said after finishing her first bite of sushi. They were both focused on the TV and the newest headline on CNN. A prominent government official was being questioned regarding the sexual abuse of his daughter. "What the hell possesses men to do that to their daughters?" Alex, forgetting herself, asked aloud.

"Who the hell knows," Olivia sighed, the sushi exactly what she had needed. "I'll never understand men."

"Me either." Alex glanced at Olivia out the corner of her eye, wondering if she was enjoying their private dinner as much as she was.

"How was your day?" Olivia asked, sipping her wine, turning to look at the woman beside her. She was glad she was there; glad to have someone other than herself to talk to at night, someone else to drink with.

"Long. Filled with paperwork to last me for days. Fortunately I wasn't needed in court." Alex smiled, meeting Olivia's warm, brown eyes. "I hope yours was better."

"Hardly." Olivia laughed. Picking up a California roll, Olivia decided to question Alex about her meeting the previous day. "what were you talking to Cragen about the other day?"

Alex thoughtfully took a sip of her wine and stalled a moment more before swallowing. "I got offered the ADA spot for another unit."

Olivia felt her stomach drop; the sushi suddenly wasn't sitting well with her any longer. "Are you…do you think you'll…are you accepting?" She quickly sipped her wine, worried.

Alex shrugged. "I haven't decided yet."

"You want to leave?" Olivia pushed a roll around on the nearly empty container before her.

"I'm not sure I'd say I _want_ to leave, but it would be a wonderful opportunity." She glanced at the TV, unable to look at Olivia. She sipped her wine, stalling. "I just don't know if that's where I want to go right now. What I do now…this is what I love." She turned to glance at Olivia's face, and she could see the other woman looked slightly devastated, but she was trying her hardest to look supportive.

"It would be a wonderful opportunity though." Olivia finally parroted after a long moment.

"You think so?" Alex smiled, seeming to gain confidence in her feelings the more she realized her leaving would greatly affect Olivia.

"Yeah," Olivia nodded, but she didn't sound convincing. She reached for her wine glass and found it empty. "More?" She held up the bottle towards Alex.

"I think if I drink any more, I'm going to have to sleep here tonight." It was only a joke, yet Alex suddenly felt embarrassed by her suggestion.

Olivia paused, Alex's suggestion sinking in. She certainly wouldn't mind if Alex stayed the night. They had done it before, she on the couch and Alex in her bed (after quite an argument about sleeping arrangements).She remembered how on the night after, she had spent the night drowning in Alex's floral perfume. She had enjoyed that night. "I wouldn't mind."

"Oh, no, I was just….kidding," Alex searched Olivia's face, realizing she was serious. "I should probably go though; I have court in the morning. I still have a brief to go over." Alex very nearly lied, feeling suddenly frightened by what she was inwardly feeling.

"Oh," Olivia looked a bit put off by the fact that Alex hadn't been serious. "That's all right." She smiled, setting the wine bottle back on the coffee table without pouring herself a second glass. "I suppose it is getting late."

Olivia got up and took their empty sushi containers to the kitchen, tossing them in the trashcan. She turned and watched as Alex stood up and carried her wineglass to the sink. "Thanks for the lovely evening, Liv." She smiled, studying the brunette's bruised cheek. She wished she could care for Olivia, but that might give off the wrong impression and she didn't want to frighten the detective.

"No, thank you." Olivia smiled at the blonde.

"You might want to get that looked at," Alex gently touched Olivia's bruised cheek.

Olivia was confused by Alex's gentle hands on her wound, but somehow felt comforted by the touch. "I will." She smiled, her hand moving to cover Alex's, patting it affectionately. "Thanks."

Alex just nodded, her fingers gently slipping out of Olivia's grasp, trailing down her cheek. "I'd better go."

"I'll see you, tomorrow." Olivia followed Alex to her front door. She watched her slip her feet in to her heels, wincing as she got back in to her not so comfortable shoes.

Alex smiled at her and was only slightly surprised when the older brunette pulled her in for a hug and kissed her lightly on the cheek. "Night, Liv."

"Night, Alex."

Olivia closed the door behind her and immediately wished that she wasn't leaving, wished that she hadn't been joking about staying over. She really wouldn't have minded.

Moving back to her couch, Olivia sat down and poured herself another glass of wine. She needed a buzz. She didn't want to think about Alex leaving their unit, and she certainly didn't want to think about how sick she'd felt the last few days, and she sure as hell wished that girl who had been raped would stop entering her mind.

That case, from two days ago, had nearly done Olivia in. She could not understand how a mother could…well her own mother had struggled with drinking, but she had never taken her problem out on Olivia. She had never harmed her, she had only hid away her pain and drunken states of oblivion. No, Olivia could not understand how a mother could subject her own daughter to such pain.

The girl, Daisy, had lived as her mother's sexual toy, to keep the men in her life from running away. That sweet little girl had endured so much in the last fourteen years of her fifteen year life that Olivia had no idea how she had hung on for so long. Daisy had no idea what it was like to be a normal teen and yet when she had talked to Olivia and connected with her, she somehow knew that Daisy no longer blamed herself. It was why she had turned her mother in.

She was so strong.

Yet, she still had a long way to go and many decisions to make.

Olivia closed her eyes, savoring the flavor of the expensive wine Alex had left for her to enjoy.

She could not keep beating herself up about the case. It was over. Daisy received justice and her mother got what she deserved, yet Olivia couldn't seem to let go.

And she wished Alex was still there.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Olivia woke up with pains shooting through her stomach. She knew she needed to throw up, but she was tired of being sick. She threw up in the toilet and then dragged herself in to the kitchen. It was not even five in the morning. Her head was swimming. Maybe she needed to stop drinking all together for a week so she could sort out her stomach.

She opened her refrigerator door and then realized, once again, that she had no food. "Fuck." She cursed, slamming the fridge closed. Her only option would be to venture out on to the street and go around the corner to the local grocery store and get some eggs. Or she could go back to sleep and hope that she could grab something before work.

She decided on the second option and crawled back in to bed.

Though eight o'clock didn't feel any better.

~*~

That Wednesday was slow at the office. She was glad for the time to sit with the latest _Elle_ magazine. She hadn't felt like delving in to business as usual. Though a late afternoon phone call set Olivia's nerves humming.

"Hey, is this Olivia?" The smooth, familiar voice registered in Olivia's mind.

"Yes, this is she." She sat down her pen and turned from Elliot.

"It's me. It's Eric. I was just…I was calling to see how you were."

"Oh, hey Eric." She smiled. "I'm good. I'm just fine."

"That's good to hear. I'm really…uh…I'm sorry about what happened, the other night."

"Look, don't worry about." Olivia put her hand to her head.

"Well, I was hoping that maybe…" His voice sounded nervous, he seemed suddenly bashful.

"I don't know if we should…um, I'm kind of busy." She lied, knowing that he had gotten the hint. She clearly did not want much more than a night with him.

"That's all right. I understand." He sweetly replied and Olivia felt a bit bad about blowing him off. He seemed like a fairly decent guy. "Well, if you change your mind, you have my number." He added.

"I will." Olivia smiled.

They said their goodbyes, but his words lingered in her mind. He liked her. She could tell by his timid approach, his insistence that even though she had rejected him, he still wanted her to call him if she changed her mind. It made her feel good to be liked, but the feelings she had on the inside didn't seem to match up to his expectations. She could never be more to him than a night of sex because she wasn't interested in investing more. He just didn't seem right…it would never be fair for him and she knew it.

She shook away the thought of calling him back and asking him out, for that would be leading him on, and instead she leafed through the remainder of her magazine.

~*~

Before she knew it, it was six and Elliot was asking her home with him.

"How would you like a home cooked meal, Benson?" Elliot plucked his jacket off the back of his chair and glanced over at his partner, who looked consumed by her magazine.

Olivia glanced at her watch, weighed the pros and cons of eating at the Stabler's, and then shrugged indifferently. "Sounds good."

After grabbing her coat, she began to follow Elliot out the door, but noticed familiar blonde walking towards her down the hall. "Hey," Alex smiled. "Are you two leaving?"

"Yeah, we're going to my place for dinner." Elliot nodded, pulling his jacket closed as Olivia eyed Alex.

Alex met her eyes and smiled, though a spark of disappointment alighted in her eyes. "I was coming to see if you were going to eat, Benson. You've got to watch her." Alex pointed at Olivia, her eyes moving to Elliot. "She only seems to eat when food magically appears before her."

Olivia pushed her hand out of the way. "Please, I eat." She laughed.

"Well, enjoy your dinner with Elliot and family." Alex smiled and walked past Olivia and Elliot. Olivia could smell her perfume trailing after her.

Thirty minutes later, Olivia was squeezed in between Elizabeth and Richard, the twins. She passed the bowl of salad to Elizabeth, who smiled up at Olivia. "I'm glad you're eating with us." She grinned, having always enjoyed when daddy's partner came for dinner.

"I'm glad to have a home cooked meal." Olivia smiled, glancing up appreciatively at Kathy.

"We're glad you're here. You haven't been over for awhile." Kathy smiled back, making sure that her youngest child's food was cut up.

"It's been a long month." Olivia sighed, glancing over at Elliot Jr., the cutest three year-old she had seen. Little Elliot looked up at her through his adorable long eye-lashes and grinned, grabbing handfuls of cut up chicken. Olivia watched as he put his hands to his mouth and without processing what he was doing, fed himself. "He is adorable."

"Like his father." Elliot laughed.

"Like his father wishes he was." Olivia tossed back, forking her salad.

"Would you like some more wine?" Kathy asked, getting up to grab the bottle and more bread.

"Yes, please." Olivia glanced at her empty glass, wondering how she'd downed that in such a short period of time.

Kathy filled her glass and then sat down beside Elliot, who was eyeing Olivia with a hint of concern. She looked tired, worn down, and that bruise from Brock Houser didn't do much to make her look any better.

And after dinner, Elliot was glad to have a moment alone with Olivia. She stepped out on to his back porch, taking in the last of the day's sunlight. She had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and a glass of wine in her hand.

"What are you looking at, Benson?" He stepped out on to the porch, closing the kitchen door behind him.

Olivia turned, surprised by his presence. "Nothing." She smiled and shoved her hand in her pocket.

"You all right?" He asked, sipping his beer and stepping towards her.

"I'm just fine, Stabler." She sipped her wine and glanced away from him again. "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"She whispered more to herself than to him.

Elliot came up beside her and set his beer down on the railing of his porch. "I suppose everyone is just looking out for you."

"Well they can stop." Olivia glanced over at him.

"All right then, I'll stop being concerned." Elliot held up his hands in mock defense.

Olivia laughed, pushing against him. Straightening out, she sipped her wine and once again glanced in to the spacious backyard that her apartment lacked.

"You're just…um," he swallowed, "you're drinking a lot."

Olivia turned on him, daring him with her cold, brown eyes. "What are you talking about? We always drink. Look at you, you're drinking. This isn't a lot." She pointed towards her glass. "I'm not drinking a lot. Come on."

Elliot shrugged, "I just noticed you had a few more glasses at dinner than normal."

"It's been a rough week."

"I'm just concerned."

"Yeah, well you can go be concerned somewhere else."

Their eyes locked.

"I don't have a problem." Olivia very nearly laughed, trying to cut through the suddenly palpable tension between them.

"I didn't say you did, I was just making an observation." Elliot backed off, taking a swig of his beer.

Olivia was put off her wine. She sat the glass down and wrapped the blanket tighter around herself.

"Who else?"

"What?" Olivia looked questioningly at Elliot.

"Who else is concerned about you?" Elliot watched Olivia's face as she shrugged.

"Cragen, Cabot…"

"Alex." Elliot laughed.

"Yeah, what about her?" Olivia frowned.

"Nothing, I just…she came looking for you the other night."

"I heard." Olivia suddenly wished she'd gone to dinner with Alex that evening instead of taking Elliot up on his offer.

"She certainly looks out for you." Elliot shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling the warmth of the day rapidly wearing off.

"She does." Olivia nodded. "I don't know why, but she does." She missed the surprised look on Elliot's face.

"I'm sorry I said…" Elliot finally began after a few moments of silence.

"It's all right. I know you're just concerned." She placed her hand on his arm, "but I'm fine." Her brown eyes searched his face, looking for his approval, for him to know that she was okay. "I promise."

Elliot nodded. "We'd better get back inside. I think Kathy made some dessert."

Olivia nodded. She grabbed her glass of wine and mentally kicked herself for drinking so heavily in front of Elliot, or rather drinking at all. Hadn't she promised herself she would stop?

She would run tomorrow. In the morning. She would run and it would take her mind off of everything.

Yes….a run was what she needed.

But at six the following morning, her head was pounding and she once again threw up.

What was wrong with her?

~*~

"Could you get Alex on the line? And see if she has the warrant?" Elliot glanced at Olivia over his computer.

She looked up from her case notes at the mention of Alex's name. "Sure." She picked up her phone and hit Alex's extension, having memorized the number by heart. She felt her heart pounding in her ears as the phone rang.

"Alex Cabot," Alex picked up the phone on the third ring.

"Alex, it's me."

"Liv?"

"Elliot would like to know if you've secured that search warrant for the Jacobson's case." Olivia caught Elliot's eyes as she stressed his name in her sentence. He rolled his eyes at her. She tossed a paperclip at him.

There was some paper rustling on the other end of the phone and then Alex sighed, "I'm talking to Judge Donnelly about that case first thing in the morning."

Olivia sat back in her seat. She could hear the stress in Alex's voice, knew that she was swamped with work. She had been busy for practically the entire week. She lowered her voice and turned from Elliot, hoping that he would no longer listen to her conversation. "It's all right, Alex."

"It's not, Liv. You need to get in to his apartment." Alex sounded mad at herself.

"It can wait until tomorrow." Olivia nearly whispered. "You sound stressed out. I think you need a vacation more than I do."

Alex laughed on the other end of the line. "I'd be working more on vacation than if I stayed here at work."

Olivia smiled. She wanted to ask Alex to dinner because Alex sounded like she needed some dinner and mindless conversation. She wanted to see her and repay her for the sushi that they'd shared earlier that week. But she suddenly felt nervous. Why should she feel nervous, though? It was just her friend…Alex.

"Do you have plans tonight?" She asked without thinking it through and, unconsciously, held her breath.

There was a short pause on the other end, "Yes. I have a meeting with the DA."

"Well I hope that goes well." Olivia glanced away from her blank computer screen, feeling her stomach sink. She realized then that she'd wanted company that night more than she'd been willing to admit.

"I could stop by afterwards, if you…"

"No, it's all right." Olivia had no idea why she had just turned down the opportunity to see Alex… "It's…it's fine."

"Tomorrow night?" Alex suggested.

"If nothing comes up."

"Good." She could hear Alex's smile on the other end.


End file.
